Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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