Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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