Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
