Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
my shit smells like andre
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
