So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
