Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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