well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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