Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
