I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
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I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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