There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
