Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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