I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
