and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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