How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
