I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
