That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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