i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
