Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
