You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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