Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm drive I can fine osifer
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
The best revenge is premature balding
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
