After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
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Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
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I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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