I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
