I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
