I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
