I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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