ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize