I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
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Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
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How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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