How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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