he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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