I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
