That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
