saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
