just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
