I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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