did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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