Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
