Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
