btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
