I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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