It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
