We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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