Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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