"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
