She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
