I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
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