I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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