Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
