Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
