The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
