I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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