i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
