The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Randomize
