i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
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You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
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Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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