she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
mondays should just be called national damage control day
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?