Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?