he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
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