at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
